boring sex, lies and lots of videotape

I know I really should stop griping about my ex-wife, but it seems like every time I turn around, there's something that reminds me of how wrong she was for me (and I for her) and how much time it took us to get to that understanding.

For me, that realization is coming in the form of... videotape.

I've always been a media kind of guy, an archivist, a collector. I have literally miles and miles of videotape, stretching back 12 or 13 years to when I could first afford a camcorder. And of course, in the last eight or nine years, a hell of a lot of that tape contains my ex-wife. It's hard for me to watch any of it, because I can only seem to see the bad parts. It sucks. And there she is, mixed in with all the stuff I would want to see again, and it taints the whole damn box of tape.

It's strange, you know. She says that she has all these "issues of anger and frustration to work out." What the fuck, man? She "worked those out" by leaving. What's to be angry and frustrated about? She cheated on me with multiple people, she lied to me about her intentions for our marriage, she left and fibbed about her intentions to come back, she filed for divorce... but SHE has "issues of anger and frustration."

It's hard for me not to laugh. Well, no, it's not all that hard. I just laughed again, as a matter of fact.

If anybody should be angry and frustrated, it should be me. I'm a little porked off at her sometimes, and disappointed, and disappointed and upset with myself that I didn't understand the games she was playing. Shit, I lost my wife and my marriage, I was lied to a lot and cheated on. But I'm not angry or frustrated.

Except at the prospect of a box full of videotape I don't know what to do with.