Old hard drives

I was looking through some old hard drives from my various file servers over the years. It's kind of depressing, all that hot software (then) that's so old and crappy (now). And all that hot data (now) that seemed so innocuous (then).

I found a backup of my ex-wife's PC. I couldn't resist looking around, and in addition to finding all the email we sent back and forth when we first met almost ten years ago, there were messages in there that if I didn't know all the stuff I know now, would still seem innocuous. Now, of course, I know that some of the messages were to "friends" who later turned out to be little flings she had along the way, back in the days when I thought we were still trying to be married.

The fucked-up thing about it is that all the time we were married, she made me out to be the damaged one, the irresponsible hoot, the one who was always doing dumb things, careless things, callous things, while she was the responsible, considerate one. And all the time, she was looking for the door and acting, in a lot of ways, a lot worse than I ever did. At least I never regarded my marriage as disposable. In some ways, she always did.

I didn't find out until our divorce was nearly final that she was, until a month before our wedding, planning a tryst with some guy she used to work with, and with whom she's since had some weekends and a lot of email.

I never did that.

I have to quit thinking about this shit. It just gets me depressed. And the drugs don't even let me feel that as fully as I used to.

I need to quit looking at old hard drives.