Sluts

The question of the day seems to be, "Am I A Big Slut?" And no, this is not just me. Kay is undergoing some really serious and upsetting emotions right now because she feels like she's lost control of herself and (seemingly) will sleep with anyone she finds attractive.

Last night, when I had a date with a lady we'll call Linda, Kay had a date with this guy she's seen before. We'll call him Steve, because that's his name.

She voicemailed me this morning, distraught, but she didn't explain what was going on. I eventually reached her on IM, and what's going on is, "one thing led to another," and she and Steve ended up in bed. She said, "it was OK, but I just can't believe I did that. I feel like I've turned into a slut."

I know the feeling. I was experiencing the same thing last night with "Linda." Went to her house, made her a very nice dinner, we had some wine, she was dressed terribly sexy and ended up in my lap on the couch, and not long after we were both in her bed. It actually was very good, very close, not impersonal, but even as it was happening, I realized that this was not a woman I could see myself in a serious relationship with. She's good, funny, and interesting to be with, but is this someone I'd be with 20 years from now? No.

So, Kay and I are trying to work out the same things, I guess. She says that she wants to give up seeing other people, and while she won't ask me to do the same, she isn't sure she can deal with me being with other people, and to some extent, I see what she's talking about. It does seem to be eating her up. Not everyone can handle polyamorous relationships. I never thought I could, but I can. I am not sure why. Programmed to think rather than feel, I guess.

I just got a spam telling me my tits are too small. Hhhhhh... everyone's a critic.

I don't want to give Kay up, but I also don't want to be part of something in her life that upsets her. Honestly, there's nobody else I'm seeing right now -- not Mary, not Ann, not anyone else -- who quite fulfills me as much as Kay. Kay is someone I could be with, solely, for the rest of my life or a large part of it, but even as I say that, I know that is not what I want and need right now and neither is that what she needs right now.

Is it her fault she's in tune with her body and really, REALLY loves sex? Is it her fault that she's meeting some guys who really appreciate her and want to touch her? Is it her fault that she follows those urges? I don't think so, but she does, and it's her body and her life.

She asked me, in IM, "what is it about me that drives guys crazy?"

I told her.

It made her very thoughtful and a little sad.