People are different

May 16, 2005 - 5:28 p.m.

I guess I'm answering my own speculation from a few days ago. Yes, women still exist who are just absurdly nice, and yes, they aren't hiding in caves somewhere.

I think I've met one.

Her name is Sarah. Yeah, yeah, that's not her real name, but I do like the simple elegance of it, and I think it suits her, so we'll just call her Sarah. She's 45, is a fellow federal worker, and lives in a made-up suburb barely half an hour from me. We've seen each other several times over the last couple of weeks, and not only does she seem to like me, her cats like me a great deal. They're large and fluffy and have big mouths when complaining about delays in the delivery of cat food.

But Sarah... she's just amazing. On the surface, I suppose she doesn't seem to have a lot in common with me, other than cats and a strong affinity for the pop music of the early 1950s. I long ago realized something, though: that doesn't really matter. Interests come and go, people's activities change over time. What really seems to attract us to each other is that we both view the world in the same way: a series of opportunities for fun, for adventure, for learning things. And for me, more than anything else, she meets the three simple but enormous things I know are at the center of what I need in someone:

Someone who is honest, with me and herself.
Someone who is forgiving and capable of accepting forgiveness.
Someone who wants me.

For all the list-making I've done in my life, and that many of us do when we think about the sort of person we see ourselves with, after my marriage and after the end of my relationship with Melody, I realized that these three traits are insurmountable and incredibly important. All other traits are outgrowths or derivatives of these three things, and without all three, there is no hope.

She is these things.

My ex-wife could be forgiving, but ultimately was not honest, even when confronted with the truth. Melody was almost always honest with me, but sometimes seemed not to be honest with herself, though I'm not sure she knew it was happening in real time. And yes, she had a somewhat unforgiving and self-defensive streak that convinced her that she didn't want me, either

Realizing that made it possible to turn my energy to the world again and be open and willing to consider someone else.

Maybe it was the best thing.

Do I miss Melody? Yes, I do. But I think maybe I miss more the unfound possibilities. My friend Kayte reminded me of something I said about Melody when I met her. I said, "I'm looking for buried treasure; she's looking for land mines." I think we both found what we were seeking in some ways. I miss what might have been with Melody, and now it's time for me to look forward and see if those things can happen with Sarah.

The sickening optimism in me is quite certain they can happen, and maybe some things I never foresaw.

A trait that I adore is people who make it through difficulty and come out of it still optimistic, still gentle and sweet. I have had all my ears out when I've been with Sarah, listening for the distinctive clang of wariness and pessimism, and I haven't heard it even once. It's an amazing thing, and something that seems very rare these days, particularly in this region of cynics and professional victims.

I have no idea where she's been hiding, but I'm glad she came out. We've spent some really good time with each other, and there will be much more.

Descriptive stuff: Sarah is small, only about 5'3" or 5'4", with a pleasant shape and an elegant, classically-shaped face. Green eyes, light brown shoulder-length hair, a really bright smile, and a penchant for antique costume jewelry, which she collects. Her hands are tiny and strong, the hands of someone who would have made a good oboist had she had the chance years ago.

The best relationships of my life, when they started, never had an "end." If I have initial worries or concerns about a relationship, I could almost always see them in my mind at the very first. This didn't mean they were meant to be fatally flawed, it just meant that I knew there'd be some obstacle to overcome at some time down the road, and if we were unsuccessful at doing so, the relationship would end then.

I just don't see an end. I don't see the fatal flaw, the buried mines, the fissure that will crack apart. Sarah is sweet, gentle, fun to be around, and with her I am quite different than I've been with other people in my life. I can't even explain it.

People are different with different people.

More as things happen.

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