Voicemail and the passage of time and fathers

Someone I used to know lost her father yesterday. Unexpectedly so. Funny how that always seems to be how it works out... you think things are getting better, and then they come apart in the worst way possible.

I'm sorry, G. I hope you'll be OK through this.

My own father seems to be slowing down... every time I see them these days, he seems a little less energetic, a little easier to tire, less talkative, a little more pensive. He's 69, and if he makes it to 71 he'll be older than his own father was when he died back in 1984. Guys don't last all that long in my family... my uncle was gone at age 57.

I admit it: I've been holding out on you. There's a woman I've been talking to very intensively, and the thing is, everytime I mention a new woman here, things seem to go awry, so I've tended not to say anything.

Maybe I should turn that on its head, though... so we'll call this woman Kelly. She's divorced, has two Siamese cats she really likes, is a singer and actress, but right now, teaches high school English. Originally from Pittsburgh, she's lived all over the place.

Ummm... now, she lives in North Carolina.

Come on, you knew there had to be a catch, right?

Except that I don't even see that as a "catch." I'm mobile, remember? And if I'm willing to do all the driving to the little town near the ocean in which she lives, it's still closer than, say, driving to visit my parents, and only slightly further than driving to New York from my home. The roads are clearer, too. And the seafood is probably better.

We've been talking for several weeks now... I'm not even sure who winked at who online first. I let my Match paid subscription lapse, so I'm not even sure I could go back and check that. Still, she had an appealing picture up, some compelling words, and I bit on the lure. She's somewhat older than I am, but that hasn't been a negative thing for me since my divorce.

Speaking of divorce, Kelly and I talked about our respective marriages and divorces a lot on the phone tonight. I try not to discuss Nancy too much with anyone, lest they get the (wrong) impression that I think much about her any more, but Kelly seemed interested and I was curious about her marriage, as well. Our experiences were rather parallel, both of us being "the ones who were left" and both of us with spouses who (a) cheated and (b) were unwilling to work to fix the damaged relationship. And sometimes, retelling the story helps you gain some new understanding for yourself about what happened and how to avoid similar problems in the future. I told her I feel like I'm done "dating" and that it's time for me to apply what I've learned in the last three or four years to something more permanent.

We did have to do a small rewind the other night. I was discouraged about the whole online thing again, and told her I felt like it had been a completely wasted effort without properly cautioning her that I didn't mean for that to refer to her. She was upset for a while and I pretty rightfully needed to grovel and apologize and pet for a bit. We now understand.

The times we've talked, it's almost always been an hour or two, so I think I should tell her how to set up Skype so that at least we can talk without spending her teacher salary on long distance.

We are not yet to the "hi, it's me" stage. I keep coming back to how symbolic that is for me. The other day I was going back through old voicemail messages on my phone at work, and found "hi, it's me" messages from no fewer than five people, dating back to 1994. Yes, can you believe it, my voicemail system at work has voicemails on it from almost twelve years ago. They've never been erased. It's interesting to listen to the transitions... messages from Nancy-as-fiancee to Nancy-as-wife to Nancy-as-estranged-wife to Nancy-as-ex-wife. Then Nancy vanishes, and there's Heather, then Penny, then Melody, then Sarah.

I don't know for sure who'll be next. Kelly would be a very good end to that progression, I think. I hope she thinks so.