Inside the mind

It's not often I get some new insight into what I think of as "typical DC-area women," but in the last day or so, I have. If you read my notes, another online journaler got all huffy about a question I posted in response to an entry on her page where she's basically dumped the latest McPerfect Man she's been raving about for weeks because... well, because he showed himself to be a human, I guess.

She posted this:

'm smart, witty, and gorgeous, and that is worth more than a drunken slob. I have enough smart, witty, and gorgeous men knocking on my door that I don't need to put up with that nonsense from anyone. Now, so that you can't make any more obnoxious, irritating comments in my diary, I've banned your IP address. I'm sick of your arrogance and your judgements. Please go bother someone else.

So, her response to my question was to attack me and ban me from posting comments (I'd already removed her from my favorite-site list and bookmarks -- reading what she wrote about this guy really appalled me), all of which I expected, but here's what I just sent off in explanation:

I asked a perfectly reasonable question, and you went ahead and attacked me for it. I just wanted to know where you get this idea of "worth" from and what you perceive your worth to be.

Your "price" is in your control. Your "worth" is solely in the control of others. If you decide you're "worth" something, but cannot find anyone who agrees, you've "priced" yourself out of the market. Humans and houses are not that different in that respect, except that humans are portable and can be moved to an area where their perceived "price" is better in line with their "worth." In a town purportedly loaded with smart women, women with wit, and women with some attractive features, it sort of becomes a commodity, and once again, "worth" is a function of what the market will bear. Attacking me for asking how you see yourself doesn't change any of these things, though it's easy and tempting and I could have predicted you'd do it.

What I saw, reading back over what you'd written about this guy, is that you (not he) built him up into Mr. Perfect, someone who from outward specs should be exactly what you were after. You had pretty high expectations, and when he initially met them over your first few encounters, you had a choice of a couple of things you could have done. One was to be shrewish and throw ever-higher obstacles in front of him until he tripped over one and fell to Earth, which you, to your great credit, didn't do. But when he showed himself to be human, you did suddenly call in your markers on all the things you'd had reservations about, all at once. These aren't things that suddenly appeared in him; they were always there, you just chose to hold them in abeyance until... well, until the other night. It would be a good thing if you'd talk to him and point these things out (he's probably already heard the lecture about smoking, so to save yourself the pain of retelling it, you might want to spare him). Otherwise you've done the classic "drop a piano on his head." He showed something you didn't like, so you threw out the whole package, likely before he got a chance to see some negative aspect of you and get the opportunity to "dismiss" you.

And last, I guess, if there are all these smart, witty and gorgeous men knocking at your door, the least you could do is let them in. Otherwise, I call "bullshit," as would most women (and men) your age in this area. If you'd rather spend time with the bird, that's great, but quit toying with guys as you do so. Pianos hurt. A lot. You seem pretty free and easy with them.

If you were only looking for sycophantic, "oh, you're so RIGHT"comments, then put up a note saying so. The net is loaded with such people. If you leave the door open for any comments good or difficult, then you sort of get what you get. A longtime friend of mine, who's been writing this stuff even longer than I have, once said, "the net is a terrible place for affirmation. If you can't handle Joe from Sheboygan telling you you suck, you should consider getting off the net."

I continue to be puzzled in the ways humans see themselves as exempt from the laws of supply and demand.