I need your help! Survey time...

I sense a time window is closing, and I am churning a bit about this.

It merits a new survey, the first one I've put up in a long while.

The problem: As detailed over the last few weeks, Miranda asked me to be her date for New Year's Eve. Her motive, as she explained, was that she had season tickets to the Shakespeare Theatre in DC, and it so happened that her ticket package included a performance on New Year's. After initially saying she didn't want to see me again, she emailed me and we got together for dinner and a lot of talk, at which time she asked me to accompany her for the evening. I accepted.

Our talk later in the evening made it clear she was looking for a strictly just-friends evening, a situation where she perceived me as "safe," and unlikely to expect anything more than her good company for the evening. I accepted, partly because I was puzzled at her motivations and partly because I had nothing else going on.

We talked again a couple of days later, and the only email I've gotten from her since then seemed rather tight-lipped, and included explanations of why I was completely unsuited for her as anything more than just friends. It also indicated she'd be back in touch closer to 12/31. I haven't heard from her since.

So, the questions are coming up in my head: why am I doing this?

So far, the only good answer I have is, "because I agreed to."

Should there be something more than that?

I'll be the pessimist here, now. Why would I spend an evening all dolled up in the company of someone who seems to want nothing from me... not my ongoing company, not physical affection, nothing? In the barest explanation of things, she's just looking for an excuse not to stay home, but doesn't want to go out with someone who is "sticky," someone who'd see it as the beginning of a relationship or even just a precursor to further dates. I know, and have known for a very long time now, that I am a terrible just-friends companion if I want someone to mean more to me.

Turtle instinct also says that the odds are better-than-even that Miranda will call or (more likely) email me around 12/28 and tell me that she's thought about it again, and thinks it's better that we not see each other. Further, it tells me that if we go through with it, it won't be a good evening. It'll be tense, drawn, silent.

So, why am I doing this? Ultimately, it seems that the only reason I'm doing it is "because I agreed to, and I am pretty adamant about doing the things I say I'll do." Yes, I didn't completely understand her motivations for asking me instead of just going out alone, and I still don't. But damn, if I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with my sister, or a sister-equivalent, I'd do it.

I don't want that.

I've had delightful, spectacular, sexy and outrageous New Year's Eves since my divorce, and I like that. I'd go so far as to say I'm addicted to it... it represents everything I like: everyone all dressed up, good food, good music, merriment, excitement, and so far, memorable and wonderful sex, as part of being with someone in a larger sense, not some one-off thing.

The odds of this New Year's representing more than about half of that are not particularly good, and even the parts that will be represented are likely not the parts I really, really like.

Right now, I'm looking at not having been to a holiday party of any kind this year, spending Christmas single at my parents' house surrounded by people I don't really know, driving for hours alone with only my own head for company, coming home to an empty house, and then, spending New Year's with a woman who basically sees me as a safe but neuter escort.

I want to salvage something out of the next several weeks. After this, winter sets in and things turn gray for months... I want one last shot at starting anew with someone new in January, and this is my chance to do that. I'd like to feel like I didn't waste it with someone who could not care less about me.

The more I write, the more I seem to be talking myself into calling her and telling her I can't make it, and to go on without me.

But I'm not going to let myself be the last voice I hear on this. Time to open the floor to you guys. You don't necessarily know everything, but you know some things, so speak.

Here's the survey, go give me your thoughts.

A strong caution: anyone telling me I "need to learn to be happy being alone" will be rather impolitely told to climb up their own assholes. Just so you know.