Dating advice, whether you want it or not

Contemplating doing internet dating?

Here's some useful advice (which I will add to as I remember it) that might help:

For women:

• In your pictures, feature yourself. And only yourself. Get rid of the babies, get rid of the relatives, get rid of the dog, get rid of the cat, get rid of anything that is not you. Absolutely do not use a picture that contains the disembodied arm, hand, shoulder or cheek of your ex-boyfriend. The presence of any other living being in your picture will only raise questions you can't answer. "Who's the guy in the tux?" Sure, YOU might know that it's your brother and the picture is from his wedding last summer, but some guy looking at the picture is going to assume he's an ex- or a soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend. Or husband.

  Who's in the picture	What a guy will think
  A baby	"Must be hers." "She's itching to breed."
  Any guy of similar age to you	"Ex. I wonder what he figured out about her that I ought to know?" Either that, or we wonder where you his his body.
  Dad	"Daddy's little girl."
  Mom	"Jeez, she's gonna look like that in 25 years."
  Whole family	pictures having to put up with all their stupid, nosy questions and condescending looks at holidays
  Girlfriend	"Whoa, her friend is really hot!"
  Girlfriends	pictures having to put up with all their stupid, nosy questions and condescending looks when you two are out at the bar
  Dog	"There goes the leather seats in the BMW"
  Cat	"There goes the leather couch"
  Horse	"There goes all my money"
  A car	"Materialistic bimbo."

• Have pictures that at least correspond to the text. If you say your legs are "your best part," then put a full-length picture in there -- yes, this means you have to wear a dress -- and show them. This also goes for eyes... if you claim they're your best part and then every damn picture of you shows you wearing sunglasses, or you're so far from the camera your eyes can't be made out, or if you're squinting into the sun, well, don't be surprised if "eyes" get you no points. If you say you have no kids, but there are kids in every picture, well, see above.
• If more than half of the pictures you have portray you with a drink in your hand or within reach, you might want to rethink your social life first.
• Don't even think about using one of those "glamour" shots. Sure, yeah, you (or your ex-husband) wasted some money having them taken, and maybe you think you look like that, but... you don't. And even if you do, no guy will believe it. Why? Because guys usually work with at least one woman at their job who has such a "glamour shot" on her desk. That provides instant calibration for your glamour shot and guys will extrapolate accordingly. If Mary Ann down in Shipping -- the one with the fat ass and the stringy hair and that one eye that doesn't quite look at you when her other eye does -- has a glamour shot that makes her look like Christie Brinkley, and you have a glamour shot on your profile in which you end up looking like Christie Brinkley, guys will naturally assume that you really look like Mary Ann down in Shipping. Shit, on most days even Christie Brinkley doesn't look like Christie Brinkley.
• If you think you're looking for perfection, seek it in yourself, first. As demanding as you are, that's how demanding some guy is going to be. Nobody is going to put up with you demanding perfection or close to it without being it yourself. If you're not perfect, maybe you ought to trim down your list of "absolutely must-haves" a bit and get the hell over yourself.
• Spelling counts. Nothing will cut you down more than a long list of things you absolutely have to have in a guy and he sees that half of them are misspelled.
• Ditch all the cliches. "Long walks on the beach in the moonlight" is a great way to step on unseen ghost crabs and discarded Coors Light cans. Get real.
• When a guy sees a girl say, "I've traveled to Portugal and Bali and Macchu Picchu and hope to travel to Thailand and Moscow and Paris and Ecuador," what he really thinks is, "expensive." Yeah, so you've traveled a lot. Great. If you make yourself sound like Jackie Onassis, what does he have left to show you? And what the hell is wrong with traveling in the United States? Are you throwing names out there to impress people?
• Use recent pictures. By "recent," I mean, "pictures that actually look like you right now." Do not post pictures of yourself from eight years ago even if you think you still look like that. You do not.

• Earthy: don't expect me to shave or use antiperspirant, and my bathroom exists in perpetual half-light because the glass is almost completely blocked by suncatchers and dirt
• Old-fashioned girl: don't expect me to fuck you or ever offer to share the cost of a date
• Career-oriented: I am finally starting to realize that I have no social life... this scares me because I also have no other identity
• Fresh start: I have been reading lots of "women's books" since my divorce and will be re-educating you about how much men suck; there will be a quiz every week
• Self-employed (if income is low and education minimal): I sell Mary Kay out of my double-wide
• Self-employed (if income and education are higher): I will probably never have time for a social life, so don't respond unless you like solitude
• Down-to-earth: dull as a stone, if it wasn't on "Survivor" I probably don't know about it
• Friends first: I am timid and am not even sure I ever want to date again
• Trust is important: I am still not over my asshole ex-husband who cheated on me and am assuming everyone else is exactly like him, but don't you dare assume everyone is like your bitch ex-wife
• No games: I am allowed to play them; you are not
• Busy schedule: see "career-oriented," above
• Looking for Mr. Right: Looking for Mr. Impractical Unattainable Romantic Cliche; I have not advanced my social awareness past young adult fiction
• Seeking classy guy: I don't even know what "class" means, so seeking guy with money who will assurage my feelings of social inferiority by buying me nice stuff, dressing nice, and not expecting anything in return
• Ready to move on: not ready to move on; ready to pretend I'm ready, but expect many relapses

And no, I am not guaranteeing anything if you follow my advice, but if you do the opposite, I guarantee you that you will not be very happy with the results and neither will one or several innocent people out there.