People In Hell Want Icewater
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Out there somewhere


September 08, 2005 - 3:39 p.m.

I am so goddamned sick of this.

Somewhere in the world is a woman who doesn't operate her life from the viewpoint of a scared little girl. I have yet to find her.

Maybe I should refine that... maybe it's "somewhere in the world is a woman who doesn't operate according to the algorithms laid down at age fifteen."

OK, picture this: you meet, online, an intelligent, reasonably-cute woman with whom you have a lot in common. You decide to get together, it's a fun evening, you talk about a lot of different things, talk about getting together again, and things look reasonably positive that you will.

Next morning, you get the "sorry, I just didn't feel a spark" email. Best of luck in your search.

If another woman in her forties says anything about "sparks" or "magic," I am going to fill every void in her head with high-pressure Cheez-Whiz.

Attention supposedly-mature middle-aged women: if you want "sparks," go scuff across the fucking carpet and touch a doorknob!

Who puts this crap in women's heads? I am sorry, but I've been around a long time, and I am getting to have nothing but pity for the deluded women whose visions of romantic life come out of cheap novels they read when they were fifteen, or movies they see on Lifetime. Women in their forties should not be using phrases like "Prince Charming" or "storybook romance," and they should have the wisdom, by now, to realize that sparks don't mean a fucking thing.

You know what? On the Fourth of July, sparklers produce a lot of sparks, but you can't barbecue with them. On the other hand, charcoal gets a lot of work done but it isn't spectacular or pretty.

Do you wanna eat, or do you wanna look at the pretty sparks?

If you fortysomething women can't figure this shit out, why can I?


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