Leftovers

I have now been alone in this house for three whole years. It's starting to get to me. You'd be surprised at the flurry of "house stuff" I do when there's a chance someone will visit... insane bouts of vacuuming, putting away of stuff into a growing mountain of large plastic containers in the basement, removal of cat hair and cat whiff.

Without the prospect of someone here, I just can't seem to generate the enthusiasm needed to do more than a bare minimum of things. Laundry gets done, but stays in baskets in the bedroom and in a giant mound in the basement. I vacuum, and then the cats get everything all dusty again.

Melody used to insist that I should want to do all these things "for myself," rather than for her. Well, because of depression and loneliness, I just sort of lack that impulse. For just ME, I'm fine almost anywhere. The cats certainly don't care. In fact, Bert likes it better when I don't vacuum, since he and the vacuum don't get along well.

I sort of need the motivation of wanting a woman to like my house. I want that motivation. When Nancy moved to New Hampshire, if she was coming "home" -- a term I later realized was rather euphemistic for her -- for the weekend, I would literally hand-scrub the kitchen floor and scour out the bathtub.

I remind you all that I am a "guy."

I called this process "nesting," and I've done it with other women, though the less warning I have, the less effective the process is.

I just don't have anyone to make a nest for.

What I DO have, I realized, are artifacts of no fewer than six women around my house, only one of whom ever lived here. Shampoo, razors, toothbrushes, hair bands, pajama tops, underwear, castoff nylons, misplaced snacks and forgotten books.

I am actually surprised there aren't more.

For as fastidious as women seem to be about ridding their houses of boyfriend-debris after a breakup, they seem remarkably lackadaisical about making sure they take their stuff with them after their last visit to mine.

And then I am left to clean it up for the next one.