Just flaming

The woman across the way is definitely in fall mode. I just wish she could be the little, cute woman she really is, instead of being a little cute woman tucked into a Soviet mother body. Today she's in fall mode... houndstooth suit with a shortish skirt and white nylons and black heels. Some women are just trapped in the wrong body.

Melody and I had a pretty spectacular battle over the weekend, centered around our going to my friend Mary's 40th birthday party. Melody has gotten into this mode where it's terribly easy and convenient for her to blame anything she doesn't like on "the fact that you're drunk."

Baby

It's a party and nobody cares...

Boston, "Party," 1977

Shit yeah, I was drinking. So was pretty much everyone else, except Melody. So of course, when we got home, I heard about how "loud," "obnoxious," and "embarrassing" I was. Never mind that the majority of the other people at the party were Mary's friends, who I've known considerably longer than I've known Melody. They'd tell me if I was being a jerk, believe me. But they didn't, because I wasn't. God help me, I will bring out the videocams one of these days and jam proof down her silly throat. I went through this crap with my ex-wife; I'm not about to do it again. I go to parties to have a good time. I think Melody goes to say she was there, and while there, try to minimize her own introversion-fired discomfort.

Anyway, we got home and all I heard about was how I "never listen," how inconsiderate I am, and how detrimental I am to Melody's health. Never mind that she's hypoglycemic and isn't following a recognized medical course of care for it. When she runs out of energy and literally within minutes turns into a zombie, not unlike the mother in O'Neill's Long Day's Journey Into Night when she's on morphine, I am supposed to just smile and deal with her massive, almost schizophrenic personality change. But Melody is not obligated to deal with any change in MY personality if I've been out after work, apparently.

"That's a VOLUNTARY CHOICE," she'd say if she were here, "mine is a medical condition."

Yeah, but a medical condition you supposedly know all about and thus are responsible for caring for. If you don't, how is that any different than me staying out for happy hour for a while? Hm?

I have to go get something to eat. I will continue this later... there's more.

Back again, after lunch and a meeting.

One of the things that occurred to me was that Melody doesn't really WANT anyone in her life. She has her life nicely laid out, and while there may be a small, rigidly-delineated location for "boyfriend/husband," it's far too small and the walls of it are too inflexible for a real person to be in and expect to move around at all. She seems to want a date-on-demand, someone she can put away on a hook in the closet when she's not using him. And here I am, rock-and-rolling all over her life, leaving towels on her consciousness, leaving the lid up on her ego, and occasionally dropping crumbs on her self-image.

I don't exactly fit in the allocated space. I have overwritten my boundaries and am causing stack overflows.

I've been sitting here trying to answer a question my friend Marie and I left hanging after the party Saturday night. What am I doing with this woman?

So far, I've come up with things like this:

• Cute
• Dresses well
• When she's awake, she can be great fun to talk to.

I sat for quite a while and came up with one more...

• Is fun to fool around with, usually

Seems like there should be more there, because if this is all I can come up with, what I really have is a "date."

I was looking for things like this:

• Makes me feel wanted
• Understands me better than anybody else
• Is forgiving and wants to help me grow in positive ways (i.e., gives me carrots rather than waving sticks)

...and I realized that none of these things apply. Worse, if I were to bring these things up to her, tell her I felt these were things I needed, would she actually do something to make it so? No. I'd be made to feel wrong to want them. It'd be something along the lines of, "well, I guess we're just all wrong for each other."

Maybe it's time for another poll. Help me out, will ya? Go tell me what you think about all this at this poll.

I just don't want to drive myself into a hole any more. I want to be with someone who actually wants me there, wants to work on things.

And, who likes showing off her calves.

Is this too much to ask?