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Reconnection


May 10, 2004 - 11:13 a.m.

Melody and I straightened everything out over the weekend. Everything.

I don't think I've ever been around a woman who makes me feel quite so much like a real peer. We're so evenly matched in so many things that it really disturbs me. We did talk about the "curiosity" issue I was musing on last week, and what came out of that talk, very strongly for me, is that the physical curiosity is only that: physical curiosity. Everything else is there, and realistically, how much better or different is anyone else going to be? How likely is it going to be that anyone to whom I have a passing physical attraction is going to want just... sex? Marie didn't. Jane didn't. Mary doesn't.

What was that phrase Erica Jong used in the 1970s, the "zipless fuck?" I've thought about it, and realized that even when I've had such a thing (and I have), I felt really stupid during and after it. For one thing, it seemed so... inefficient to have to involve another human in what's basically masturbation-with-someone-else-who-happens-to-be-there. Might as well just go home and be by myself... the net result would be the same. It's much more interesting to me when someone is really present, really there with me, and will continue to do so, wholly, and warmly, instead of us each getting up and going home and never seeing each other again.

That being the case, then, I don't WANT to indulge in fantasies of women I see. Do I want to not HAVE the fantasies? Sure I do! I LIKE the fantasies. They're FUN. It's delightful to look at a cute woman dressed nicely and moving like a gazelle, and think, "yes, SHE would be fun to take into a dark corner and probe..."

And then go home to Melody and actually be able to DO it! Do it without feeling stupid or used or using and without a worry that someone will interject some really weird head game that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I already know what I want with her. She already knows what she wants with me. I want us to be each other's manifestation of "the fantasy."

We're already well on the way there. Lately, we have been all over each other. Physically, mentally, emotionally, intellectually. We spent some time at my (still messy, but improving) house on Saturday, I showed her a lot of things around the area in which I live (the upper Potomac Valley of west-central Maryland) and she met a few more of the cats. Neither of us wanted the weekend to end, but Melody had tickets to see Carmen performed in Baltimore on Sunday, and I had grass to cut and catboxes to clean and tractors to reinvigorate, so we parted. I wanted so much to be at her house, waiting, when she got back from opera and dinner. She had gotten somewhat dolled up in a very, very sexy poppy-print skirt and a gauzy white blouse, and had she not been going to the opera, I'd have very much liked to have been there to take her out of it when she got back.

There will be other times.

She gave me a key.

I'd give her a key to my house, except realistically, I don't know where one is. I've never needed to lock the house, and if you really wanted to get into if even if it WAS locked, the place isn't exactly the most secure in the world. The neighbors keep an eye out, though.

One of the cats is rather sick and at the vet this morning. Boris has been slowing down lately and he's showing signs of serious dental problems... drooling, not wanting to eat or drink, his breath really reeks. I took him over there, and they will be helping him get well again. He is my oldest, but he's only 13 and I think he's got a long way to go yet. I told them not to lose him.


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