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Mono or stereo? Or surround?


May 07, 2004 - 2:13 p.m.

No, this entry is not about audio equipment.

I've been thinking about monogamy.

Where does it come from, and why? Biologically, monogamy seems to exist to suit a need to control reproductive combinations. Sociologically, it has existed to make clear lineage for succession and inheritance, and other issues of legal responsibility. Medically, it helps to stem the spread of various transmissible illnesses. But personally and emotionally, why does it exist? And where does it come from?

I've been talking off and on with one of the readers of this site about curiosity. Not just general-purpose curiosity, but that curiosity. You know the one... that loooooong look at an attractive man or an elegant and sexy woman, and the musing that accompanies it:

I wonder what they FEEL LIKE.

And taste like, and smell like up close, and what shape their sexual parts are, and whether they like to do THIS or THAT or something else.

Yeah, THAT curiosity.

We agreed that it isn't rooted in lack of sex. If anything, it may be tied up with ready access to a steady "baseline" supply of sex. Marriage, or a steady partner, that sort of thing. But once you're thoroughly satisfied in that respect, for many people, the curiosity branches out from there into wanting to explore other people just for the sake of the experience.

Another aspect of this, for me, comes from the certainty that no one person can ever be 100% of everything their partner needs 100% of the time. If you find you're with someone that comes very, very close, it's probably most convenient and easiest to simply do without whatever is in the shortfall, in the gap. But what if you're with someone who is in that gray area... can't or won't be everything you need, and you miss the stuff in the gap a lot, but is enough of what you need most of the time that it's not worth dumping everything and seeking someone new?

Most of the time, you have two choices: cheat, or do without. Both of these choices, frankly, suck.

I have been cheated on in my life. I spent a long time thinking about my ex-wife's transgressions and realized that my bad reaction to it had very little to do with her and everything to do with my own insecurity about the relationship. I didn't think I could keep her (ultimately, I couldn't) and so I didn't even want the slightest leakage, lest the whole fucking dam come apart.

It was about my own insecurity.

Now, I've also been in relationships where I felt very secure, and had absolutely no problem with my partner's need or want to explore someone else for some small part of their life that I could not supply. They went off, explored, and came back. It actually felt great. I knew I could be secure in their desire to be with me, without smacking them over the head with a big shackle marked MONOGAMY.

Why do we want to lock everything up in this country and culture?

As you can figure, this is coming from somewhere. There's some karmic wind that blows up when you declare yourself firmly In A Relationship. It blows the scent of all the possibilities you're turning aside, it carries the dust of untold temptations, and it swirls around you and reminds you of what you've just given up.

I have learned not to fear "commitment." I have also learned that "commitment" can come even when no sex is involved, let alone monogamous sex. So, where the hell is it written that people must own each other, sexually? How has it become the ultimate statement of "commitment" that "thou shalt not stick your dick into anyone else and I shalt not permit other dicks to be stuck into me?" Sex and commitment are quite independent of each other. It all smells to me like Morals and Religion, two things I have learned to regard with extreme suspicion in my life. Both are rooted in insecurity. Deep insecurity. And distrust.

Everything you know is wrong.

Melody and I have not had sex in over a week. I miss it. And things have happened between us this week that tell me I may be in the wrong place. I am not entirely sure. I am committed to working things out, but at the same time, my intense physical curiosity about other women makes things rather difficult sometimes.

As usual, there's a poll associated with this one. Go have at it.


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